Alone this weekend
My daughter left for a weekend trip to Orlando with her dad today. I am so happy to be alone for a few days. I worked from home today, so I was able to go to the store at lunch after they left. I also just got paid yesterday. I put some into the app for the company that pays my rent, some in the reserve account for my dentist appointment next week, some went to my credit card consolidation loan, and of course stocking up at the grocery store cost $104, so now it feels like I’m broke again.
When I got home, I put my laundry in the dryer and cleaned the few leftovers out of the fridge. I was hungry, but had to get back to work, so I just had a bagel to eat. I was able to listen to the radio instead of my daughter’s YouTube videos, so that made me happy.
I’m worried that my therapist is trying to wean me off seeing her. She is a bright and happy person, so sometimes I think I unconsciously match her energy. I am making some progress in being more social, but I still don’t feel like I will ever be able to develop a new relationship. I decided to make her a list of all the times that I’ve felt like a complete outsider; all the times when people just straight up ignored me so I faded into the background. Maybe I’ll share it here if I actually write it.
After I finished working, I turned on my YouTube. One of the top videos was a complete episode of 120 Minutes from 1993. Of course I turned it on. It was all live performances from an MTV party house. Smashing Pumpkins, Juliana Hatfield, They Might Be Giants, Violent Femmes, Bad Religion, Afghan Whigs. The comments were sweet. Nostalgic Gen Xers like me, who feel like they are still teenagers or college students on the inside.
It’s so nice and quiet here now. My cat is curled up next to me. It’s still cool enough to have the window open at night. I might go to a dinner at the UU church in St Pete tomorrow night. My freedom feels good tonight; not too lonely. I’m writing because if I don’t do it now, I never will.